you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
