I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
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My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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