My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
