She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
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I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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