woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
