Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
