This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
