There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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