Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
