went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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