You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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