Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
