He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
