cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
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well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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