the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
