Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
two words: eviction party
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
