what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
