I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
