You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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