Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
