Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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