This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I fill condoms, not promises.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
