Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
