ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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