at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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