went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
