You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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