ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
