Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
