If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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