never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
