and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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