I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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