i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
