I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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