That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
