My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
my poor anus
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
