I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
