I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
