I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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