i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
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My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
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Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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