You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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