Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
