Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
