Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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