I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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