I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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