i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
