it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
