I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i believe in u and ur pee
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
