I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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