On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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