he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
