i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
