Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
