Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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