we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
