I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
