I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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